Let me be really clear about something: empathy doesn’t mean you like someone. In fact, when you genuinely like someone, you don’t need that much empathy. Connection comes naturally. But when the connection isn’t easy—when someone rubs you the wrong way or their behavior feels completely alien—that’s when empathy matters most.
Here’s a metaphor to make this practical. Imagine an angry German shepherd. Your goal isn’t to make it your new family pet or invite it home to play with your kids. Your goal is simple: don’t get bitten.
So how do you avoid the bite? By understanding why the dog is angry. Maybe it’s been mistreated. Maybe it’s scared. Maybe it’s been encouraged to be overly territorial. Whatever the reason, treating that German shepherd like it’s a friendly Labrador puppy is a surefire way to get hurt. You need to engage with it based on its instincts and experiences—not yours.
Now, let’s take that same metaphor and apply it to people.
Imagine you’re dealing with someone difficult—let’s say a television executive who isn’t exactly warm and welcoming. They’re acting in ways that you wouldn’t act. But here’s the thing: you have no idea what kind of day they’ve had. Maybe someone’s been kicking them in the teeth all day before you showed up. Maybe they’re overwhelmed by deadlines, worried about their mortgage, or burned out from being double-crossed too many times.
The truth is, they’re not you. They’ve lived a completely different story. So the question isn’t, “What would I do if I were them?” The real question is, “If I knew what they knew… if I wanted what they wanted… if I’d been through what they’ve been through… what would resonate with me?”
That’s empathy. It’s not about projecting your own values and experiences onto someone else. It’s about stepping into their world, understanding their beliefs, their fears, and their motivations—and then finding a way to align your goals with theirs.
Here’s another layer to this: empathy doesn’t mean manipulation. It’s not about twisting someone’s arm to get what you want. It’s about creating alignment. Scott Perry uses the term “agency” to describe this: giving people the freedom to be who they are and then finding a way to dance with them so that you both get what you need.
This is what separates professionals from amateurs. Amateurs market to people who are just like them. It’s easy to sell to people who already think the way you do. Professionals? They do the work. They use empathy—deliberately and strategically—to connect with people who are nothing like them.
Here’s an example to make this even clearer: you don’t need to have cancer to be an oncologist. You don’t have to live someone else’s experience to understand it. You just need to care enough to imagine what they’re going through.
And let me say this again: empathy doesn’t mean you like the person or the situation you’re in. It simply means you’re choosing to do what works. What works for you is probably also fair and just—and works for them too.
So the next time you encounter your own version of an “angry German shepherd”—whether it’s a person or a situation—pause and ask yourself:
- What’s their story?
- What’s my goal?
- How can I align the two?
Empathy isn’t soft. It’s not about letting people walk all over you. It’s about stepping into someone else’s world to make progress—for both of you. And when you approach empathy with this kind of intentionality, that’s when the real magic happens.
So go ahead—do the work. Because empathy, when used on purpose, is one of the most powerful tools you’ll ever have.